Jacqueline Wales Interview

I'm very definitely a Square-Peg, I've never lived my life according to anyone else's rules. I've lived outside the box forever it seems - in the choices I've made - the mistakes I've made - the things I've had to deal with.

I grew up in a family that was a) illiterate b) in poverty c) highly dysfunctional... I left school at 15...

Just in a nutshell: I grew up in poverty - and it was extremely abusive. My father was an alcoholic. I gave my first child up for adoption, then married the first man who said "I love you". That didn't work either. I left a 3 year old with his father to go to California - ostensibly in search of something more.

"More" is one of my favorite words, I use it a lot. Not materially. I wanted more in life than what I was getting. I came into this life with that burning inside of me.

Why was I in the world? That was my question. Then I met someone who lived his life outside the box. Neither one of us has worked for major corporation, or pigeonholed ourselves into a regular life. We've been nomads, lived globally - settling in various places for 5 years.

The bottom line is - it's just who I am.

I heard a quote from Sam Keen: "Fear is the sharp edge of excitement." I love that line, it's so absolutely right. Many of us live our lives on the edge - people who are Square-Peg - staying alive and staying hopeful and creative. It's our challenge - when you decide to live outside the box.

I discovered my singing voice and my writing voice in my 40's...like most of the creative things in my life. But you could say I've always lived creatively just by how I lived.

It's been in the last - let's say 15 years - that I've truly manifested a whole bunch of stuff in my life. So it's kind of exciting - it continues to add to the lift. It's just an adventure. That's basically how I see things: life is an adventure, and if we're not paying attention to our adventure we can get lost along the way.

One of the reasons that I created Fearless Fifties is the idea of creating community. You make your community wherever you go. This is huge for me. Where do you belong? It's not a comfortable thing for people who live outside the box - that sense of belonging.

I like to say "home is where my clothes are at this moment." Most places I've lived we've been able to create that belonging through our religious or school community. When you don't have either of those anchors about you it's tough.

My soul's journey - things I need to get clear of in this lifetime - I feel I'm kinda getting there. There's a soul energy that exists in the world that we're all part of. How we manifest it, that is what it's all about.

We all have to risk (I have an acronym about RISK: Respect your Intention and Show Kourage).

Probably my own fears. Getting past the limitations of my own thinking, my conditioning and finding a place to belong. That's a common longing for many Square-Pegs I think. It is possible to find your community.

In my 30's when I started to confront a lot of things I had already left 2 children behind in my life. Leaving my son with his father in London was a major heartbreak. My husband now (we've been together nearly 28 years) - when we'd been married 7 years, he said he wanted a child. I said "I don't know. I've screwed up twice." He told me "I'll help you, we'll get you help with the mundane stuff."

I had my first daughter with him, she was my third child. I made a vow when she was - I might have even been pregnant - I said to my therapist at the time: "She will leave me before I leave her." And I meant it, that was the biggest issue. When she was about 14 months old I inherited a step-daughter from Thailand. She came a complete stranger, was 10 years old - the result of relationship my husband had in Thailand. It was a big deal.

I realized that I was having alcohol problems - I was in AA for 5 years. Interestingly, I came out with the understanding that I had alcoholic thinking, this isn't often addressed. I was not physically dependent on it - it was the manic-compulsive thinking that would get me into it. Granted, I used it as a crutch. I found I did have control, so I had to look at the thinking.

I started breaking through some stuff. I was in therapy for about 10 years altogether. That's a long journey, but it was a necessary journey for the health of my children. What became clear to me was - if I didn't do my work, how would I expect my children to?

I wrote a novel, When the Crow Sings*, that was a healing journey also. It's about the women of my family - my grandmother, mother (particularly my mother - she had passed on and I had a lot of unanswered questions). There were three generations of my family with women who had children outside of marriage. There were all these other major mysteries in my mother's life. I knew that she had two children before me.

One died when she was 3, the second one I knew was my mom's, her second daughter, but she lived away from us. I found out when she {mother} died that it was believed my mother had been raped by her brother - of course she wanted nothing to do with that child. This kinda hung in the background - from generation to generation the stuff gets handed on until someone says: "Enough!"

My question was: who are these women and how are they manifesting in my life? The original book was non-fiction, but I needed distance - so I made it fiction while maintaining the facts of what I knew. I discovered that I loved this woman who was my mother. It made a huge difference...it became an homage to my mother, I have a lot of respect for what she went through.

We had a neighbor who was extraordinary - she really was an angel. She took care of us when we were kids. And she was raising four kids of her own. She also took care of retarded children and I had a severely retarded brother. She gave him a lot of time. Her life is not so much what I would hope to achieve - but the spirit of what I would like to be. She had an extraordinary heart. If I could get even an ounce of that and that's the way I die, I'd be happy.

She died of Alzheimer's at the end. I have a touching story...I went to visit her in the last year or two of her life. Her daughter said she couldn't recognize anyone. I brought her chocolate, sat with her and we sang. She told her daughter later: "Wee Jacqueline was here..."(she saw me as a child)"...we sang songs and she brought me chocolate."

That's one of the wonderful, cherished memories of my lifetime - she's one figure who stands out. It took me a long time to see that - (I was in my 30's before I started to get some help and break through some of these barriers I'd put around me) she stood out significantly.

I've read so many books in my lifetime...hmm, books I'd go back to again and again. That's a tough question. As a writer I should have a list a mile long. Margaret Atwood, I love her writing - but a favorite amongst them? I don't know.

Alice Munroe - she's fabulous, and the book that got me started on my writing - Dorothy Allison's Bastard out of Carolina. I read that book and it made me cry and made me angry. I said "She's telling the story of my life." ...John Irving, Kay Gibbons, a lot of authors people don't know...Pat Barker, The Regeneration, about the First World War... Ian McEwan is wonderful...

In the first few minutes of contact with Jacqueline you can tell that she's gutsy and authentic. She's a tell-it-like-it-is woman!

Jacqueline saw a need - one she felt herself - for connection. She saw a need in the world and she is desirous of filling it. That's BIG!

"There is far too much isolation in this world. I've started to work on another part of my vision - to create Fearless Fifties chapters throughout the nation... We're creating something here that really can change lives... women coming together for support, encouragement, connection and inspiration."

Visit Jacqueline at Fearless Fifties: "A Growing Community of Women Who Are Putting Life Into Midlife".