Interview with Lorraine Pettit

About my Square-Pegness - my mom was a musician. She taught music lessons in our living room. We had all these instruments (everything but a harp and bagpipe) - and there were always kids in my living room. Mom was always with them.

In our home (and family) I felt like an outsider. I learned that you don't bother people when they are busy - it was  a big lesson. I still remember standing beside my mother's chair, waiting until there was a break to be able to ask her something.

You couldn't flop on the couch in the living room - the room was not our own. We were different from most families. Another thing that made us different was that almost everybody's dad around here worked at General Motors. My dad had his own business. He didn't make good money, which is why my mom taught music. Our house was crummy. I wanted us to be the same as the other families.

We also had a store in the living room - sold school supplies and candy. We lived right across the street from school. It was like living in a public place.

I had this rebellious thing - I'd swipe a candy bar to get at my mom.

Like everybody else who's been interviewed - I always felt like I was different - outside looking in. I always wanted to be part of the "cool" crowd...the people who were good looking, had nice clothes, looked the best, dressed the best...the ones who were class officers.

The girl who was home-coming queen for my class was right next to me by name, so we shared a locker. Every year she moved out {of our assigned locker} to share with someone else.

I went to our 20th H.S. reunion thinking "we're adults, things will be different", but people were still as snobby - that's really sad.

Hardest has been dealing with society's images. I keep getting bombarded by society's images - this is how we're "supposed" to be - the round-hole image. Slim and young. It's hard for me not to buy into it and think I'm "less than" because I don't fit that mold.

When I was first married - in '67 - I realized I didn't like to do "women's work". I didn't fit into that - so I knew something was wrong with me.

I started therapy in 1970 (at 24 years old) - I went to see the psychiatrist as a result of my first suicide attempt...talk about feeling like a Square-Peg. My psychiatrist was a Freudian - he barely talked - and I couldn't think of anything to say unless he asked me questions. So I felt like I couldn't even do that right. Couldn't stand myself - I was so painfully shy. I believed I was weird, strange, different from everybody else.

Sometimes I'd rather not keep my Square-Pegness. But I have learned that this is me - this is how I am. Creativity helps me be me. I feel best when I can work on artsy/fartsy projects. It takes me out of negativity - away from thinking "how do I measure up with everybody else?" I get lost in that kind of activity.

My 2nd husband was an alcoholic. He was a Vietnam veteran. The good thing about that relationship was it got me into Al-Anon, and from there into Adult Children of Alcoholics and Codependents Anonymous.

...Al-Anon was strengthening and positive...

I gained a lot in a short time - especially  compared to all the years in therapy. I found people with similar experiences, ways of being, thinking and doing - it was very empowering. I figured: I like these people - I'm relating to them - they're pretty nice people, and if I like them then I must be pretty nice, too.

I enjoy being with people who are Square-Pegs, too.

I'm very willing to share my experiences.

My willingness to talk to people about things that have happened to me - to be open about it. When I talked about having shock treatments I remember friends of my sister - in the late 70's - saying that it was nice to hear me talk about it like it was a normal thing. It was nothing I should feel guilty about. If the information can help anybody else I'm willing to share it. That might be Square-Peggish.

When I had my mastectomy I had been attending story hour with my 4 y/o son. The children would be read stories by the librarian and the parents had a program without the kids. I had been off for a couple weeks and asked what they'd done while I was gone. They told me that someone from the American Cancer Society had come and given a speech...they remembered being told not to worry about breast cancer until you were 35 years old.

That day I stood up and told them where I'd been (having a mastectomy). I said "It can happen to you - and it's not the end of the world."

I called and told the man who had given the speech "You're not doing this right. You need to let me do this." They did.

I had to go do this...I did speaking engagements about breast cancer for 7 years. I did a great job! People requested me in particular. I kept track of how many people were at each event - I got that message to 1500 people total.

Well, I thought about it - I could talk to everybody individually - that would take alot of time. Or I could talk to a group and pretend I was talking to each person separately - it's saving time. I always had a few funny anecdotes to share. It was mostly women's groups meeting in someone's home - I'd sit in a chair. Sometimes I'd be at a lecturn. A couple times I shared with high school groups, which was scary, because I was never comfortable when I was in high school.

How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Peter McWilliams,...is a small book - about a person - a loved one - leaving. But it's non-specific enough that you can apply it to lots of situations. I've read it with tears streaming down my face - feeling comforted.

Other than that I listen to audio books - they leave my hands free so I can do my beading. I love fun fantasy.

Shopaholic series by Sophie Kinsella

The Cat who...Series, by Lilian Jackson Braun

Hoot, by Carl Hiaasen. Anything by Hiaasen.

I've read lots of self-help books, but haven't read any for a long time. I'd rather escape in fiction.