Square-Peg Humor

Whenever I have really taken the time to look closely at the nature of the relationship that I have with my husband, I believe that if we've proven anything in the years we've been married it is that I? Am not an engineer.

For example, if I had to identify one of the most outstanding characteristics of my personality, it would unfortunately have to be my Stunning Inability To Locate Myself In Time And Space. I get lost all the time, so often in fact that there now exists a Greatest Hits Collection of my best "getting lost" stories:

-like the time I got lost leading a group of friends who were helping us move into our new house, despite the fact that I had just driven myself to said house only the day before,

-or the time I was driving down the highway, headed to the same place I'd gone every single Monday night for an entire year, missed my exit, got off the highway, turned around, and headed back in the opposite direction (because, HELLO, that's supposed to work!), somehow ended up on an entirely different Interstate and had to call my husband to guide me home so I didn't accidentally end up in Alabama.

-or the time in graduate school when I got lost on The Loop that encircled my city, called my husband (then boyfriend) who was also in graduate school, but in an entirely different city to announce that, "It's pitch black and I have no idea where I am, and I'm completely out of gas and am running on fumes. So even if you wanted to come and rescue me you couldn't, because there's no way you could find me. Tell my parents I love them."

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Helpful yoga tips for handling toddler throwing temper tantrum in grocery store:

Do not panic. Do not panic. Do not panic. Repeat aloud if necessary.

Recall ocean breath and perform five times consecutively.

Close eyes.

Bring awareness inward.

Slowly assume Mountain pose.

Use Witness Body. Mindfully remove yourself from the situation and pretend the child is not yours. View unfolding scene from above. Recall Vajrapradama Mudra – The Mudra of Unshakable Confidence. You are completely unaffected by the overturned cart, mess on the floor, noise, and stares. Remove oneself! Stretch muscles in face to form a disgusted look. Gently guide awareness back into the store. Nod head concurringly to lady standing next to you who remarks, “Oh dear….where is that child’s mother?!”

Release grip on shopping cart.

Turn body 90 degrees.

Transition into walking meditation as practiced last night in yoga class.

Expand gaze to store entrance. Focus! Focus!...

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I have always jokingly referred to myself as the “black sheep” of my family. Not because of any horrible traumas or dramatic personal failures, but just because I’ve always felt so different than everyone else around me.

This “different-ness” shows up a lot in my various personality traits, the most dominant of which is that I am very much an ALL or NOTHING person. The middle ground is not a place I visit very often.

Looking back I can see that this was true of me even at an early age. I know this because of the stories my mother tells about me when I was a little girl. Either they describe how I insisted on wearing multiple dresses at the same time, or they talk about how I would rip off every stitch of clothing I had on at the time and then run through the house completely naked. So, either I was excessively clothed, or I was totally naked; nothing in-between.