August 04, 2006
The Encourager
Volume 2 No. 01 June 2006If you know a Square-Peg-Person who would appreciate reading encouraging words, please forward this newsletter to them.
If you're not receiving the newsletter in it's regular colorful format (with pictures) - I encourage you to read it at:
back issues of The Encourager.
What's New at Square-Peg-People.com
In this issue:
Square-Peg-Spotlight
Square-Peg-Stacks
Looking ahead
What's New at Square-Peg-People.com?
We're kinda late this month! July's issue in August - whew. One good thing about that - you'll get to be Encouraged twice this month - that's a good thing!
We've added new
Book LISTs
(sent in by readers) - check them out - and add yours!! Would you like to share your favorite books with our readers? Just go to the form at the bottom of the Book LISTs page, and give us the names of books that you love.
We've got new articles! Lorraine Pettit (who is also our interviewee this month) wrote a great article acknowledging the pain and the process of grieving "lesser" losses (those not related to a person's death). In this article, Lorraine honors the experiences that we sometimes try to ignore - or move on too quickly from. Click on the link to read Lorraine's
"Lesser Losses Require Grieving, too".
Staff writer Tina M. Marks Shirley wrote
"Water Inside, Water Outside, Water From the Inside Out"
- an insightful article on using water for stress reduction and general great benefits.
Tina also developed a companion tool to go with the article, a water-based imagery exercise, which she wrote, and I recorded - it's on the
Exercises page.
Have you looked at the
Square-Peg Reflections blog
lately? Interesting thoughts get posted there with Square-Peg irregularity.
And, last but not least - we've got a link to a fr*e copy of Susan Falter-Barns' book, How Much Joy Can You Stand?. This is a fantastic book - and a fantastic deal - fr*e! Go to the bottom of our
Exercises page
(subtitled: Self-help Games, Exercises and Freebies) to find the link.
This month's interview is with bead artist, Lorraine Pettit. The book for the review this month, Bright Side of the Road, came to me in a synchronistic way.
During her interview, Lorraine mentioned having had breast cancer when in her late 20's. While I was readying the interview for this issue of The Encourager, I had a chance to talk with Anne Marie Bennett, founder of Kaleidosoul.com. Anne Marie told me that she had had breast cancer, and had written a book describing her journey from diagnosis to recovery form breast cancer.
Lorraine and Anne Marie both have breast cancer in their medical histories, but the similarity of their stories goes much deeper. Both of them kept open to hope - while acknowledging the hard times (not denying them) on their respective journeys.
It's easy to give up (ask me how I know) - it's common to deny the hard times in life - the darker side - and become cynical when the pain or hardness of life is too strong to deny.
But both these deep, beautiful women found a way to hold on to hope while standing in difficulty. Our desire is - that through reading about Lorraine and Anne Marie - you'll be encouraged to keep YOURself open to hope - no matter where your journey takes you.
Square-Peg-Spotlight
Bead artist and "The MoonDreamer", Lorraine Pettit, signed up for the Square-Peg-Celebration! e-course when it was in it's focus group format. She was an encouragement to me throughout the course and since then we've kept in touch.
Lorraine is is working on a web-site - we'll tell you when it's up and running! Right now you can see her gorgeous bead work on her page at
The Shoppes of Artella.
Lorraine blesses me with her wonderful sense of humor and her open-ness. We giggle alot over each others e-mails. You'll enjoy meeting her:
About my Square-Pegness - my mom was a musician. She taught music lessons in our living room. We had all these instruments (everything but a harp and bagpipe) - and there were always kids in my living room. Mom was always with them.
In our home (and family) I felt like an outsider. I learned that you don't bother people when they are busy - it was a big lesson. I still remember standing beside my mother's chair, waiting until there was a break to be able to ask her something.
You couldn't flop on the couch in the living room - the room was not our own. We were different from most families. Another thing that made us different was that almost everybody's dad around here worked at General Motors. My dad had his own business. He didn't make good money, which is why my mom taught music. Our house was crummy. I wanted us to be the same as the other families.
We also had a store in the living room - sold school supplies and candy. We lived right across the street from school. It was like living in a public place.
I had this rebellious thing - I'd swipe a candy bar to get at my mom.
Like everybody else who's been interviewed - I always felt like I was different - outside looking in. I always wanted to be part of the "cool" crowd...the people who were good looking, had nice clothes, looked the best, dressed the best...the ones who were class officers.
The girl who was home-coming queen for my class was right next to me by name, so we shared a locker. Every year she moved out {of our assigned locker} to share with someone else.
I went to our 20th H.S. reunion thinking "we're adults, things will be different", but people were still as snobby - that's really sad.
I'm Bi-Polar II, am an incest survivor, had breast cancer at 28. Was an unwed mother at 19, and gave the baby up for adoption. I've been suicidal most of my adult life. Looking back, I'd say that my life sounds like a tabloid cover.
We giggled over Lorraine's description of her attempts to "get at" her mother...
One incident that Lorraine related might sound familiar to other Square-Pegs - the kind of behavior that contributes to a "less than" feeling. Lorraine said that, in high school...
Lorraine summed up her Square-Peg experience by saying:
Hardest has been dealing with society's images. I keep getting bombarded by society's images - this is how we're "supposed" to be - the round-hole image. Slim and young. It's hard for me not to buy into it and think I'm "less than" because I don't fit that mold.
When I was first married - in '67 - I realized I didn't like to do "women's work". I didn't fit into that - so I knew something was wrong with me.
I started therapy in 1970 (at 24 years old) - I went to see the psychiatrist as a result of my first suicide attempt...talk about feeling like a Square-Peg. My psychiatrist was a Freudian - he barely talked - and I couldn't think of anything to say unless he asked me questions. So I felt like I couldn't even do that right. Couldn't stand myself - I was so painfully shy. I believed I was weird, strange, different from everybody else.
Sometimes I'd rather not keep my Square-Pegness. But I have learned that this is me - this is how I am. Creativity helps me be me. I feel best when I can work on artsy/fartsy projects. It takes me out of negativity - away from thinking "how do I measure up with everybody else?" I get lost in that kind of activity.
My 2nd husband was an alcoholic. He was a Vietnam veteran. The good thing about that relationship was it got me into Al-Anon, and from there into Adult Children of Alcoholics and Codependents Anonymous.
...Al-Anon was strengthening and positive...
I gained a lot in a short time - especially compared to all the years in therapy. I found people with similar experiences, ways of being, thinking and doing - it was very empowering. I figured: I like these people - I'm relating to them - they're pretty nice people, and if I like them then I must be pretty nice, too.
I enjoy being with people who are Square-Pegs, too.
Read more...
I give myself permission to be silent, for hours at a time.
We have some things in the works:
An article on how to find a helping professional. We've gotten input from some great coaches, counselors, therapists and friends on the how's and why's of finding someone that YOU will work best with.
Square-Peg t-shirts and mugs coming soon!
Link to check out: For the music lovers among you, check out this new site:
Somewhere Off Jazz Street
Lorraine said that she found people in Al-Anon who she felt she could connect with.
Square-Peg-Stacks
reviews Anne Marie Bennett's Bright Side of the Road.
This book is written from the heart. Which, in my opinion, is the only kind of book worth reading. It is about a woman dealing with breast cancer. And, because books written from the heart are usually large in scope, it is also about many other topics.
It offers insights into the doctor-patient relationship, ways to live wholly (expressing ALL your feelings - as opposed to living in denial of the uncomfortable ones), the process of living reflectively (the book is written using journals Anne Marie kept), what's helpful (and what isn't) when people are facing a serious illness, dealing with other people as they come to terms with your illness, hospital euphemisms and hospital blessings, gratitude and much more, including - of course - walking on the Bright Side of the Road!
The title (from a Van Morrison song) implies that you could choose to walk on a different side of the road. Throughout the book, Anne Marie shows herself making choices - considering alternative paths - looking at different sides of the road. Her story is a lesson in choosing not WHAT happens or where, on Life's journey but HOW to walk on the "Bright Side", whatever comes your way.
The beautiful introduction begins with a picture of "before" - a description of Anne Marie's life prior to the cancer diagnosis. Bright Side of the Road shows Anne Marie's walk on the path of healing rather than focusing only on "cure", while she is undergoing treatment for cancer.
She experiences fear, depression, anger, as well as many physical difficulties, including pain, exhaustion, and hemorrhoids. Through all of this Anne Marie poured her feelings into her journals, and made an on-going conscious decision to choose to live with hope and openness.
How did she do this? Anne Marie's healing path included many things: allowing feelings, visualization, choosing to change thoughts, trusting her instincts, journaling and generally living reflectively.
Anne Marie's "Bright Side" experience is not about skipping through trials with no pain - ignorant of what is right before your eyes. No whistling in the dark, pretending not to be afraid. Early on Anne Marie shares what she felt in the beginning of dealing with cancer:
I don’t want this! I don’t want this! I sob over and over ... I say it so many times that it takes me back to my teaching days and the creative drama exercise where I had the kids repeat the same sentence several times, each time putting the stress on a different word to see how it changes the meaning.
I don’t want this.
I don’t want this.
I don’t want this.
I don’t want this.
But no matter which word I stress, the meaning is the same. I feel an agonizing anger that this is happening to me and I wish with all my strength that it wasn’t happening. But it is. I feel like I’m dreaming.... only I know for sure it’s not a dream. The reality is, there is cancer in my body. No matter how many stars I wish on, it will remain so. I continue to cry while these thoughts whirl through my mind like a maddening, burning sandstorm.
Hope and gratitude spring out in other places: In one section, as Anne Marie reflects on paying attention to things, she talks about having been affected by Thornton Wilder's play "Our Town" when she was 14. I first experienced the play at that same age - and the impact on me was exactly what Anne Marie describes:
... Emily says good-bye to life at the end of the play, she says these words- Goodbye world, goodbye Grover’s Corners, Mama and Papa. Goodbye to ticking clocks and my butternut tree and mama’s sunflowers, food and coffee, new ironed dresses and hot baths and sleeping and waking up. Oh earth, you’re too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it - every, every minute?
I was only fourteen years old when I first read those words, and had made no acquaintance with death, but I instinctively knew that that soliloquy held the entire key to the meaning of life. As I heard Emily say those words in my young imagination, I grandly decided that I was going to live my life differently than she had. I was going to notice every, every detail. I was going to enjoy every, every minute of my life. ..
Me too! Me too! I also made that decision - with the same consequence -
But then of course, life went on and I forgot the words and my life became a whirlwind of things to do, places to go...mostly Emily’s words were forgotten. Every so often I would see Our Town on tv, or onstage, and the words would once again ricochet out of an actress’s mouth and into my soul, reminding me again of the brevity of life, reminding me again of the passion of my original intention.
Anne Marie remembers again - while dealing with cancer and treatment...
The cancer is teaching me to open up and absorb how wonderful life really is. I’ve stopped and looked up at the sky more times this past week than I have in the last several years put together. Because of the cancer, I’m sitting here paying attention to these moments...
It's good to remember!
Below, Anne Marie gives us insight into how she changes her thoughts. At one point she mentioned feeling abandoned, when her Doctor was on vacation.
Then I realize I’ve had enough of these damaging feelings, and decide to change them. I email Elizabeth. I take a short walk. I put on my favorite Neil Diamond CD. I decide that instead of looking at the situation as if I have a doctor who wasn’t there when I needed him, I’ll be glad I have a doctor who takes vacations now and then and who will be relaxed and refreshed when he operates on me instead of being worn out and exhausted.
I’m grateful for these realizations, and that I was able to decide to let go of the rejection and abandonment. They are simply feelings; they are not the truth.
Then, reflecting on changing her thinking...
I don’t know if changing my thinking patterns takes courage. Maybe it does. But I do know it’s healthier for me. I do know that I feel better physically and emotionally when I do it. It’s like choosing what to eat based on how you’ll feel afterwards, rather than the taste of it right now.
She also speaks of giving herself permission:
I give myself permission to be lonely.
I give myself permission to embrace this barren vacant desert while waiting for flowers to bloom in the dark.
Because of my experience with hospitals (I had a son whose short, intense 3 month life-span was spent in hospitals) Bright Side of the Road reminded me of:
Continue reading...
Looking Ahead
We are really close to making THE primer on Square-Pegism, The Square-Peg-Celebration! e-course, available to you! Square-Peg-Celebration! is a course that is designed NOT to change you - but assists you in observing and honoring - celebrating! - your Square-Peg traits. It's for people who want to find out what’s right with them - not what’s wrong with them!
Next month we have an interview with Luna (aka Maripat Doyle Oberg) - Artist, therapist and "changer of lives". Check out some of
Luna's art work
And look for The Encourager in your mailbox again this month.